Death by High Heel

I wake up half way through the night to a loud, spine-chilling ringing sound. Fuck. It’s my alarm and it’s actually an eye-watering 7.20. I plaster on make-up and thank goodness I planned today’s outfit in advance or I’d have thrown on any random mach of clothes and leave the house resembling a child who’s decided to play in Mummy’s Dressing-up Box. I stagger down the road in heels I haven’t worn in over 2 years. There was a time I lived in towering high heels without a blister or a bunion, but by the time I get onto the tube I’m cursing the blood-sucking buggers. 

The transport for London (TFL) site estimates my travel-time will take 1 hour 10, though I forget to consider one significant environmental factor. The London population. After several tube stations and hundreds of tube station stairs, I arrive in North London, only 2 hours later. 

I arrive somewhat flustered - sweaty, crowed tube carriages and footwear NOT intended for a marathon of stairs are not the optimum recipe for the stylish London look. However, I am greeted in the office with smiles, and after Jessie, the lady I’ll be working for, introduces me to the rest of the team, she shows me to my own (MY OWN!) desk with beautiful and shiny Mac computer. Inside, I’m dancing like a happy clown. 

My challenge today is finding events for the magazine’s October edition calendar, a double page spread near the front with events relating to the issue’s theme. October features Jo Frost (AKA Super Nanny), so the issue and calendar will be related to parenting and family life. Events such as National Walk to School Week, or National Milk Day (eww), to Disney’s Fantasia at the Royal Albert Hall and a trip to see Thomas the Tank Engine at Colne Valley Railway. My own words are going into these short dates, and I get rather egg-stravagent on the ‘British Egg Week’ slot. But they liked my style, and my words will be featured in the October issue. Plus, I am now a walking/talking events advisor for October 2012. 

After a wonderful day of work, which feels amazingly natural and second nature to be working for a magazine firm at my own desk, I head to the tube station and take the Victoria line straight down to Brixton for another night of comedy. I’ve noticed during the last 24 hours of tube-travel particular London trends. Such as, the fact that several people are wearing bright orange nail varnish, even more people are wearing flip flops (which seem a little inappropriate for tube-travelling in my opinon), and just about everyone seems to be reading ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’. One girl sat next to me slurps on some horrendous looking Mars bar-flavoured MacDonald’s concoction before putting the cup down next to her feet. Thanks to her, I spend the rest of the journey worrying that it might topple over and mars-flavoured cellulite will start glooping it’s way towards me. 

Whilst waiting for my Aunt, I take a sit down in between my hectic London lifestyle for a well-earned fruit-pot and coffee. As an attempt to have a more personal relationship with their customers, Starbucks now write your name in marker on your takeout cup. However, even the best of plans have their flaws, as ‘Conni’ is the nearest attempt Starbucks have ever got to spelling my name correctly, even on the many occasions when I have spelt it out for them. I’ve even had ‘cone’ written on my cup before now. Spelling certainly isn’t their forte, but it’s definitely an attempt to be friendly and personal to each customer. 

Another comedy night, although we spend too much time for my liking standing about in the queue outside (front line VIP of course). The sun’s out fortunately, but I swear the heels of my shoes are about to break through into my foot…

We return home at midnight after a long night of comedy, this time from Josie Long, Russell Kane, Judah Friedlander, and Rufus Hound, and I’m so tired I can barely manage a piece of smoked salmon before crawling into bed!

Getting into the Swing of things

After a traumatic car journey through central London, evoking stomach-churning nightmares of driving through Brighton involving one way systems and rogue mopeds, I arrive at my aunt’s flat in South West London showing off a result of several years’ worth of ‘light packing’ improvements in baggage reduction. Despite being terrified about getting lost on public transport , and jumping onto a train going in the opposite direction, I’m rather looking forward to a less stressful underground commute tomorrow morning than another car drive in not-even-rush-hour London traffic. I’m surprised the cars around here don’t resemble the hoard of battered cars in Paris. 

Another journey to go, as I’m spending my evenings this week watching a friend of my aunt’s film a series of comedy for TV. If it’s any good, I’m hoping for a six-pack by the end due to fits of laughter. A drive to Brixton and I actually feel rather sick - not because of the driver, but the stress of sitting in a fast vehicle maneuvering around London. City driving petrifies me. 

We arrive at the Electric theatre/club for the comedy show, Set List, being filmed live for Sky Atlantic. Performed in America and Edinburgh amongst others, this is a stand-up comedy show where the comedians have to improvise - given a set list of odd topics, such as ‘what’s the deal with mice?’,‘wine racism’, ‘borgasm’, ‘Jehovah’s Witness annual conference’, and ‘Wow vs Whoa’ etc. Comedians tonight are Rich Hall, Tony Law, Anthony Maxwell and Drew Carey. As we know the producers, I feel privileged to be on the VIP guest list; I’m the first person in and have first pick of the seats. The night is exciting despite not being a total fan of comedy and being afraid to admit I had no idea of the ‘famous’ comedians before I arrived… After the show we hang out in the Green Room with the producers Paul and Troy and the comedians, before heading home and eating prawns for tea. 

Wii or Non?

Six hours ago, I discovered that The Boyfriend had Wii Sports in his collection of games. I then spent the following six hours going from zero to hero on Wii Tennis, whilst annihilating my right arm to a lump of sore muscle. So, my verdict - Wii or non? 

As a huge fitness fanatic, I always thought Wii sports and any other computer ‘sports’ were a total hoax, for fat kids in America lying on the sofa flicking their wrist every so often to bat the ball back. After lying in agony after spending an entire day hula hooping on the wii a few months ago did I realise that it was actually pretty good at exercising muscles you didn’t know you had, and without any actual sports equipment. 

In tennis, I’m not afraid to run about the court like a lunatic, although I often spend more time running around than actually hitting the ball. However, on the Wii my mini-mii did the hard work for me, and so I only had to concentrate on the hitting. Without my body wearing out from the running I furiously batted my arm into a sorry state: now unable to pick up so much as my Blackberry, let alone an actual tennis racquet. I can hardly say it improved my technique though, as the skill to tennis is being where the ball will land, ready to hit it back, and balancing batting skills with the stamina to run about the court. Unlike other lazy people, I played valiantly - on my feet for the entire duration, darting forward and back and flailing my arms around like someone possessed, shrieking violently in true Venus Williams style - and only 100 points or so away from PRO level (I can’t believe it’s taken over a hundred matches in 6 hours to reach a score of 900!). 

However, despite being at home and without forking out for a decent newly-sprung tennis racquet and comfortable shoes, I think I’d rather be out on the courts, sweating like Stephen Fry for two hours and return home for a well-deserved rest feeling rejuvenated and exercised. I am anguished that the Nintendo Wii is still better than me and with only an aching arm to show for all my hard efforts. Seriously, it’s like my bones have turned to play-dough. 

The Wii is good for rainy or boring days, when your ‘to-do’ list looks as exciting as a 2,000 word essay on Linguistical Neutralization, although perhaps it would be better to vary your Wii games, so you don’t result in one highly muscle-defined right arm and a puny left. Yet again though, nothing beats a good run around the park and slogging it out on the tennis court. 

The Red Carpet Workout - all you need is a bit of Love And Fitness*

*Not actual acronym...


My next gym trial was at LA Fitness. The name screams style, hollywood stars and top technology machines. It also screams high monthly membership fees, but we'll come to that bit later. I was delighted to find that they offered a 3-day free membership trial, and on top of my Groupon voucher to 10 individual day passes for a total of £15, it's barely cost me a bean! (A pay-as-you-go session is £10) I've actually saved over £115 (costing me £1.15 per session (13 sessions) instead of a collective £130). Score! 


Within 24 hours of signing up online to their 3-day trial, I had a nicely-timed phone call from a lovely lady who was asking about my fitness goals, booked me in for a spinning class, and organised my induction meeting for my trial. So 12pm on Saturday (a time I'd arranged) I met 'Barry' from LA Fitness, a very enthusiastic, charming and friendly guy with twinkly eyes who chatted to me about the possibility of joining, and if I needed any help getting started (as if!). Then I entered into the world of LA Fitness. The fitness studio is long, and there is no other way to describe it than literally an 'army' of machinery. I was delighted to find a huge range of machines including a slightly older version of my beloved AMT (Adaptive Motion Trainer), and a 'skater' machine which re-creates the movements of roller blading (VERY good for thigh muscles and glutes!) - a machine I'd only ever seen before in France. Bonus points there! Hygiene stations providing wet wipes were dotted around the place (another winner), and along one side was a row of TVs which you could plug your earphones into your machine and have a choice of four channels (one of them being music). Motivational quotes were plastered around the walls, including my favourite: 'Now the hard bit's over' as you enter the gym (actually getting yourself up and out to go to the gym is the biggest hurdle!). 

It would have been nice to have some natural light streaming into the studio, but then again, being in the middle of  city who knows what was behind all those blocked out windows...! Despite hygiene stations, few people actually clean their machines after use, and they certainly were not cleaned regularly by gym staff. (At Stratford I regularly see trainers working their way around with a bucket of soapy/sterilised water thoroughly cleaning all the machines.) It's a good gym - still no PowerPlates, and not my favourite gym - but it's definitely a top gym I've experienced. I'd have thought though, with so many people paying their overpriced £40 membership per month, that they'd be able to afford more modern machinery. £40 is a LOT - particularly for the humble student. Barry made a fair point that even if did a spin class once a week, it'd cost more per month just doing that than if I signed up for £40/month with unlimited use of classes and gym. For now though I'm just grateful I still have my Groupon vouchers to use up (they're going to hate me!). 


Last night I attended the spin class I'd booked in, being a very keen spinner. And boy, it was amazing! It ticked all my spin class boxes. The bikes (amazing - I actually prefer the older bikes, which make you work harder, than the new all-flashy Trixter bikes which are the 'spin bikes of the moment'), the playlist (upbeat, created by the trainer with latest tracks and NOT just a Ministry of Sound workout CD), the lighting (LIGHTS=OFF. No one likes to see you sweat and vice versa. The main studio lights were off and we spun in a dark room with small UV spotlights lined around the edge of the ceiling - VERY cool!), and most importantly, the instructor. This is where we get to a tiny issue, as Becky, the spin instructor was actually filling in yesterday evening, and usually coaches/motivates at Fitness First, yet another gym (yet to try) in Brighton. So SHE was brilliant, but doesn't give me insight into how good the LA Fitness spin instructors are. After the amazing, intense and energetic class she asked if we had any comments/if we'd enjoyed it, and everyone instantly enthused greatly and asked if she could come regularly to LA Fitness as they'd seriously enjoyed the session... Suggesting that perhaps the spin instructors at LA Fitness might not be so great. But for Becky, I think she actually beats Stratford's spin sessions (they bought new bikes... big mistake). The *ONLY* downside to the class was that the room seemed to lack in ventilation, which made the huge mirror-covered wall steam up within about 10 minutes of the class starting. I also forgot to bring a towel/flannel, so impulsively grabbed a wadge of toilet roll, which of course disintegrated in shreds over my face resulting in me exiting the studio looking like a crazed yeti. Fortunately it was dark and I legged it home! 

Spin class: 5/5, although with an instructor from another gym, does it speak for LA Fitness or Fitness First? Might have to go again... (next time without toilet paper debacle!)

LA Fitness gym: 4/5 - the machines look rather shabby and unclean, so arm yourself before starting, with the provided wet wipes. 

Alive but not quite 'kicking'.

I've decided to do a few more gym reviews, as I have finally realised how rare it is to find an amazing gym. Plus this is research I enjoy doing and I can benefit from. I guess I grew up lucky, as the gym back in my hometown (Stratford-upon-Avon Leisure Centre) is absolutely perfect. Following their revamp in December 2010, they have 3 PowerPlates for free unlimited use, and the best machine ever called the 'AMT' - Adaptive Motion Trainer Precor.com/AMT. All their machines have been fitted with TVs conected to a hoard of tv and radio stations, plus the layout of the gym is fantastic... I really can't fault it. 


As a student, I decided to hold fire on the gym membership (despite impulsively signing up to two gym memberships during Freshers' Week...), which means I can try out ALL the gyms in Brighton and play about with free trials and online offers.


Anyway, by total luck, next door to my student house is a small gym. 'Alive Fitness' boasts of being 'Brighton's friendliest gym' with a fully equipped studio, so I decided to check it out, and put it to the test! An instant pro-point is that they offer a free gym session for newbies, which is extremely easy to acquire. However, the gym was pokey, and crammed into a tiny room upstairs, resulting in quite a claustrophobic feeling. It felt more like being in someone's 'home gym' than an independent fitness centre. The layout deters women in particular from venturing into the weights room, and the atmosphere was more 'surgery waiting room' (complete with weekly magazines) than 'spring into fitness!' The place was certainly lacking in motivational quotes and cheesy tag lines claiming that this gym could change your life. 


On the plus side, it was quiet, and the gym-users were adults who actually wanted to exercise - not girls in see-through leggings and bikini halter-neck tops (WHO DOES THAT?) who go to the gym purely to exercise their thumbs through the exercise of texting for the duration. The final major blow though was when they practically kicked me out half an hour before closing time. Their site says the gym is open until 9.30, but by 9pm they'd turned half the lights off, the TV screens off, and switched off the machines. WOW. [Big mistake] I don't care if I was there for free (they didn't know that anyway), but I'm there for my money's worth whether or not I'm the last person in the gym! I stoically stayed until about 9.10 until they asked how long I'd got left in an 'upbeat and friendly' way. Major minus points there. To add insult to injury, for a normal pay-as-you-go session, they charge £10 which I felt wasn't in balance with the 'goods'.


Scoring: 2/5. The gym was small, although adequate, yet their enthusiasm to go home early punctured their motto of 'Brighton's friendliest gym'. There were no wipes to clean the machines after and I got a very strong impression that the gym staff weren't into cleaning the machines either. GYM HYGIENE MATTERS, PEOPLE!

Be your own success.

There will be many times in a your life where you realise you're simply just not enjoying much about your life. You may be stuck in a dead-end job, a job you're not enjoying much, another 2-5 years of university to crawl through, bored of your house, hate people at work, no money, no job, and just a bunch of 'dreams'. But stop right there, because this is YOUR life we're talking about. You have control of it, and when you reach times like these, the solution is a 'my life is shit' list. In all seriousness, this might just be my recipe for success. 

So. We're feeling down and unmotivated, and there are several areas in our life that need a bit of fairy dust. But for now, we'll find our 'dust' in the form of ink. Or lead. Whatever floats your boat - basically I'm telling you to pick up a pen and a sheet of paper and write down all the crap bits currently in your life. I put mine in a spider diagram, but a list does the same job - remember to leave plenty of space between each 'problem' because the next step is finding the solutions! 

Everyone's list will be different of course, and parts of them may be rather personal! I'd realised, by the end of January that my life was dull and I wanted to do things for myself - I wanted to be my own person, and not controlled by uni assessments and exams. Examples of my 'shit bits' include finances (every student's woe), uni life in general, and finding ways to de-clutter and de-stress. And so here comes the next, and life-changing bit. Most people KNOW how to fix their lives, but it requires motivation and it's all to easy to say 'it'll never work'/ 'it's too much of a risk'/ 'I'll fall into another rut'. STOP MAKING EXCUSES. So around/under your problems, write ways you can overcome them. 

E.g.: Finances - hand out CV, curb online shopping and general expenditure, borrow text books from the library instead of buying them, fill out Student Loan/Grant form for next year, sell things on eBay, search online for free gym sessions/activities. I also wrote a list of things I wanted to save my money for, such as a new car, a holiday, new Louboutins, a new handbag (oh, how to beat a Marc Jacobs?!), more Chanel perfume... Of course, just writing this out on paper isn't going to get the pounds rolling into my bank account, but seeing it down on paper makes it feel much less of a problem, particularly when it's surrounded by possible solutions. If you're going through a really tight financial crisis, it may be worth considering selling more larger items... before the bailiffs do. 

Uni life - I should be aiming for 5 hours of independent study per day. My tutor gives us a reading list each week, demanding we read about 7 books per WEEK in time for the next lecture. I'm really not kidding. So to reduce stress levels, I'll aim to skim read about 4/5. And despite being stuck at uni learning about morphology and linguistic neutralization - things I really won't need for my ideal career afterwards - that doesn't stop me from doing what I want to do around uni time. So expect more blog posts (yay!) as I want to pick up my writing once again. Uni isn't 'prison', so find things to do around your time there - create a life for yourself! But the main thing to remember is to knuckle down and work hard for the next few years at uni so you can graduate with shining colours and walk into your dream job and keep the happiness rolling.

To quote Tommy from 'Friends with Benefits' (my film of the month!): 'Everybody wants a short cut in life. My guide book is very simple. You wanna lose weight? Stop eating, fatty! You wanna make money? Work your ass off, lazy! You wanna be happy? Find someone you like and never let her go.' Part of achieving your goals is by taking on a no-nonsense tough-love approach to your problems. 

Creating this list is also like making resolutions. I wanted to vary my exercise activities, and attempt to like yoga, but was rather difficult if I also needed to be saving money. But by extraordinary coincidence and pure luck, the solution hit me right in the face when I was treating myself to a new pair of running leggings from my all-time favourite sportswear store, Sweaty Betty. The shop assistant was so lovely and chatty - I felt I'd made a friend when I finally left! Anyway, she asked if I was a Sweaty Betty member, and I was like 'hm say what now?' It's a free membership, literally just write your details on a card and you get a shiny pink piece of plastic, allowing you 10% off everything in store (save money), AND exclusive access to their FREE WORKOUT ACTIVITIES in the week (vary exercise). Thank you fairy godmother! So I have yoga on Wednesday evenings in a shop that I love, and a running club if I wanted on Thursdays. For free. Once you embark your life revamp, you never know what opportunities will hit you in the face! I also managed to scoop myself a 3-day free trial at LA Fitness for the weekend, and score a free spinning session there on Monday evening. It's great! A week on and I feel I've turned my life around. I'm actually finally starting to fall in love with Brighton. 


My message is 'think of what you want to do, and DO IT'. Making this list helps you work out which aspects are most important to you. If you're in a crap/boring job but desperately need the money, just keep your head down and keep ploughing on. If your job is actually making you miserable, then quit and find something new. (Probably best to find something new before quitting...) - It's easy to say and much more of a risk to do, but particularly when you're older, your job should reflect your personality, or be something you've worked your whole life for. There's a quote which was stuck up on the wall at my work: 'pick a job you love, and you'll never have to work a day in your life'. I found it rather ironic as it was in a restaurant where I waitress, and however much I like working there, it's still having to be nice and charming to snobby customers when you really just want to throw on a pair of man-trackies, wipe off your make up and watch crap on TV, but you get the idea. And if there's really no solutions for your mass of problems and banes of life, then find something extra to do to bring a piece of sunshine to your day. 


So when you're stuck in a rut, and nothing seems to brighten up your day anymore, revamp your life, and become your own success. You'll be surprised at what a couple of small changes will do. 

Virgin Broadband.

A big NO-NO. 

After spending the morning ranting and raging down the phone, I’m madder than I was before I picked up my mobile. *Quick check to make sure my hair is still attached to my head and I haven’t burnt down the house by the smoke from my ears* 

The issue? SLOW broadband. No, NON-EXISTANT. And YES I’m using capitals because I’m STILL RAGING!!! Student life is poor, you can’t afford a TV licence so that luxury goes out the door, along with heating (bring on thick jumpers and ski socks)… Say ‘TTFN ta-ta for now’ to comfy sofas, plush carpets, free printing, ‘adios’ Mother’s home cooking, and to your boyfriend only being a short walk away. So the one thing you do look forward to, the one priority of student life is internet. 4OD, iplayer, youtube, google, all-important FaceBook for those antisocial days you spend holed up under your duvet but still in contact with people further up the country, Wikipedia, and Student Central. The latter being the only ‘valid’ point for the extreme necessity of internet. 

So after moving in to our very basic student house and having our top package Virgin broadband fitted (because we really needed someone to come in and plug a box into the wall for a £40 fee) its rather maddening to discover that we might as well not have bothered. Back to the house of Starbucks where wifi is only a small Latte away, sat upstairs on a comfy sofa and a sticky table (a cut above student living!) for the joys of internet. Although you do get a few odd looks when it appears that you are talking to yourself (i.e. When using Skype). 

I called up today steaming from the cerebral cortex over the fact that once again, I’d spent 2 hours NOT getting anything up on screen. TWO HOURS of refreshing, ‘connection timeout’, running upstairs to turn off/on the box, running downstairs to retry the internet connection on my laptop, back upstairs to reset the damn thing, downstairs to attempt to load Google… well, I definitely didn’t need a spinning class today! Another thing that got my cogs going was their premium number for their helpline. WHY should I be paying to talk to Virgin because they can’t get their arses in gear? WHY? I’m a ‘customer’ - shouldn’t I get customer service included in my broadband contract? *more madness, stamping around and raging* IT’S BARBARIC. After another 20 minutes listening to the worst ‘dance’ music in years I’m about ready to run outside and hit a small child. But no. Because it’s not their fault. THIS IS VIRGIN MEDIA’S FAULT. My house mate mentioned the other day that she saw a Virgin technical man opening a wire box in town. My immediate response was ‘did you hit him?’. 

I FINALLY get onto a ‘customer helper’ at the end of the phone line, and after calmly  expressing my problem (ok so there may have been a few mini-rants, ‘it’s insane’s’ and ‘I don’t see why I should pay anymore’) he repeated Virgin’s on-going excuse that there’s ‘building work’ in the area, and they’re trying to fix the problem. This ‘building work’ is affecting LONDON. And I am in BRIGHTON. Sounds like rather more than just a ‘problem’. I don’t CARE if there’s building work, I DON’T SEE WHY I SHOULD BE PAYING FOR IT. I called early October and was told the same thing, and that it would be all sorted by October 26th. Come November 9th and I’m STILL waiting for my homepage to load! He then said that the building work would be sorted by November 23rd. At that I literally burst into tears. ‘Literally’ I said, not actually. I did go mad at that bit though. Scratch that, quite a lot mad, actually. I may have started exclaiming profanities, stuttering before screaming another ‘THAT’S INSANE!!!!’ at him, before ‘I’m not putting up with this! What is the procedure for ending the contract now?’ and then very quickly being put through to ‘Customer relations’ after a stuttering ‘goodbye’ from the poor man. 

Onto Virgin call centre employee number two. Because they really give a rat’s arse. After having to repeat my account number AGAIN, and my area reference AGAIN, and the account holder’s name AGAIN and the account password YET AGAIN, I was speaking to someone better spoken at English, and by his voice just seemed a lot more powerful within the call centre. (That does not mean he was any use.) ‘Dazzling Deals’? You’ve GOT to be having a laugh. ‘The UKs fastest broadband’??? Yes, ultra fast at driving customers INSANE.

By the end of my FORTY-FIVE-MINUTE CALL on an 0844 number, I’d got us an oh-so-generous £33.50 credit note. *note sarcasm* They were unwilling to pay us back entirely for the last two months of NO internet usage, the stress, the struggles (two of my housemates had to run over to Starbucks last week to send their online assessments), and battles with their so-called customer ‘service’. VIRGIN is half the reason students finish university with high debt! This battle is NOT OVER. 

And now, as I can no longer feel my fingers and my nose has turned blue (yes, I am in my house) and with no internet to speak of (except whine, moan and rant at the lack of) I’m just going to bang my head repeatedly on my bedroom wall (complete with no insulation) and write a snotty letter to Virgin Media. A stamp’s cheaper than a phone call. 

A True Story...

Every time something good happens, or I achieve something amazing, it makes me want to hammer my index finger onto my screen at my blog header, defiantly yelling 'I TOLD YOU SO'. Every time something goes RIGHT in my life when people thought it wouldn't, and I take another step into the big wide world, it reminds me of that weekend of hopelessness - no university offers, a not-so-outstanding results sheet, and being told I was in 'cloud cuckoo land' over the idea of living in France. *points at screen singing na-ne-na-ne-nana*

I've had to put up with people around (few people, I must add), but those people who automatically had me down as 'unsuccessful' for not going straight to university, who didn't see any options for me other than to retake a school year or do a year's college course, and end up as a 60-year-old waitress or a 'lifer' at Sainsbury's. And I've proved them all wrong. But it was never about them - it was about proving it to myself. Proving my independence, finding my confidence, and pushing my own boat out. 

And yet another amazing feat has come out of the year, granted that this whole year has ironically happened 'backwards' if you compare it to the average life 'plan' (date, co-habit, have kids...), but getting to the point, Miss Independent has finally bagged herself a boyfriend! The same guy who was my 'knight in shining armour' with offerings of cough sweets and medicine not so many months ago. And we have FINALLY hit it off. *keeping calm and cool, resisting all urges to jump around like a six year old*

This is definitely my year. :) Right now, I can officially say that I love my life. And there have been times where I never thought that would happen. So to everyone out there, go and inspire yourself. 

In other news, the new house is pretty good, and I love my room, despite it being half the size as my old room. I did buy myself a very cute dreamcatcher from an Earth-saving shop, and a dreamcatcher is something I've always wanted. Seriously, ALWAYS. 

 

The Stratford Pimm's® Trials

Rosie and I have decided, during our summer holidays of nothing-ness, to test out all the bars and restaurants of Stratford-upon-Avon. Seeing as she's been too busy revising to get out much and I've been.. too busy juggling kids and houses to get out much. So in the last week, we've set about our evenings trying out Pimm's in the local pubs. Of course, had it been over the course of a night we'd have been on the floor and probably not able to tell the difference between Simon Cowell's pee and a glass of Pimm's, so it's just as well we've spread out our taste-tests.

Let's start with the basics. According to the Pimm's advert which cunningly incorporates people dressed up as fruit and dancing overzealously down a street, a summer Pimm's drink should contain a bit of everything of the following: Ice. Lemonade. Orange. Mint. Cucumber. Strawberry. And of course, a 50ml measure of Pimm's. On with the trials!

Bonus points for our Pimm's taste test:
- A fancy glass
- Straw added in by bar staff
- Shaped ice
- Cocktail umbrella
- Fruit on rim of glass
- Crazy coloured people singing the Pimm's tune
- Fireworks display as the glass is passed to you
- Any form of Freebies.


Pimm's 1.
Before a trip to the cinema on Sunday evening, we decided to sit in the Picture House Cinema Arty-farty bar and enjoy some Pimm's. This proved more of an investment as we were charged £4.00 per drink, served up in a narrow beer glass and contained no fruit and no straw. EXTRA Minus points for the slow barman who spent more time flipping his peroxide fringe back and forth. Should have thrown the drinks back at him! I've also recently been informed that Pimm's comes in three different 'flavours' - Pimm's mixed with either rum, vodka or gin, hence the Numbers on the bottle (e.g. 'Pimm's No.1') which up until now I'd never paid any attention to. But after knowing this valuable piece of info, I was able to taste the strong rum in this drink which ruined the delightfulness of Pimm's rather. If I wanted rum, I'd have ordered it!

However, by chance we'd walked into a night of music in the bar, so technically there WAS singing going on, although no necessarily the Pimm's theme tune... But for a pleasant evening of music, we'll definitely go back. Plus we were able to take drinks into the cinema. Score: 2 cucumbers out of 5. Not a great show (but the movie itself was brilliant)!

Pimm's 2.
After the cinema we took a detour on the way home and found ourselves at Hole in the Wall/Bar Room Bar. There we ordered two Pimm's - each £2.80 - which included cucumber cubes and a token slice of lemon. HAS NO ONE SEEN THE CRAZY PIMM'S ADVERT?? IT HAS COLOURED PEOPLE! Rating: 3 cucumbers. Price was excellento, but if I'd wanted that much cucumber in my drink I'd have ordered a salad.

The next day...

Pimm's 3. 
Rosie and I met for a very enjoyable lunch at Cox's Yard during the stress of yet ANOTHER moving day, so once again treated ourselves to PIMM'S. It was hot, summery, I was wearing flipflops which happens once-in-a-lifetime, and Pimm's tends to round up all the happiness and blissfulness of summer into a chilled drink. Cox's Yard is definitely a tourist trap, but one of my newfound favourite places in Stratford. Love love love! (And Pimm's pimm's pimm's!)

 

I was also very pleased to see that the bar at Cox's actually had an official Pimm's fruit tray, which consists of a long storage box with individual compartments to hold each - AND EVERY - bit of Pimm's fruit from the mint leaves to the strawberries. In case you can't read the photo, or got distracted by the mouth-watering picture of Cox's Pimm's beside, a glass costs £3.75, and a '3 pint jug' (a Pimm's Pitcher) £15.25 - the latter I feel is rather a tad too pricey, particularly if you get onto our Wetherspoons experience below. Rating: 4.5 cucumbers. We definitely had 'all the trimmings', and we even had straws put in for us, which, judging by the failures of the last two bars, is a bit of an achievement.

Pimm's 3. 
We figured a good place to have started with - to mark out a 'standard' - would have been Wetherspoons. There is ALWAYS a Wetherspoons wherever you go. Not to mention good value for money, picture menus for the children (YOU GOTTA THINK OF THE CHILDREN!), and by total chance and luck, the place where everyone else our age in Stratford hangs out. I'd started to wonder WHERE THE HELL everyone was! No straw, and a pitiful lemon and lime, but a good chilled atmosphere. Despite the fact it was Wetherspoons. Suitable for anybody in winter wanting to pretend it's summer. Rating: 4 cucumbers.

 Where are the fireworks and belly dancers??

 

Very good priced, but not a classy night out.

It can't have been all that bad as a couple of nights later we were back and ordering a REALLY good priced-pitcher of Pimm's, costing £6.90. This was after a very disappointing trip at The Encore... (keep reading!)

Pimm's 4.

The benefit of doing a Pimm's trial all in one go is that by the time we'd have hit The Encore, we wouldn't have had enough money anyway to afford these. NINE POUNDS FIFTY!!!! NINE POUNDS FIFTY FOR TWO DRINKS! I think this is APPALLING! Extra EXTRA minus pounds for the abominable prices! My temper was somewhat eased out after finally being able to relax into one of the absolutely fabulous Zebra armchairs I've always seen yet never tried... Truly exquisite, I'll buy FOUR. 

So, what is included in the £4.75 drink? Well, we did get not-one-but-two straws, and a range of fruit including an unexpected raspberry, and Rosie seemed to think it tasted particularly good until I said that 'Pimm's is Pimm's...' and until we went on to Wetherspoons for the pitcher which was stronger and cheaper! But if Rosie can taste the difference then I'd better add on an extra point. Rating: 3.5 cucumbers. Stylish setting, scandalous prices! 

  

 The price won't have us coming back for more... But the chair, the chair!! 

Setting an example.

And so not with a fizzle but with a bang, here's how the experts do it. This was the first evening in my new house, so please excuse the lack of straws, herb garden containing fresh mint and a room of belly dancers or something equally as carnival-istic, but visualise a pretty damn good Pimm's: a heap of MIXED and Pimm's-RELATED fruit at the top (including strawberries), the froth of fresh and chilled lemonade all mixed with an estimated measure of Pimm's. (Newby said a capful was 50ml but moving house is such a hassle I was beyond caring!)

My favourite place for Pimm's must be Cox's Yard for a laid back summer evening with friends. I still can't get over their scanners as well - there is no need for notepads or pens there, all the staff and waitresses carry small scanners and books of barcodes, so anything you order, be it food or drink, they just scan the code which send it automatically through to the tills and the kitchen! Neat, huh? Wetherspoons was amazing value and a good place for randomly bumping into people you haven't seen for ages... or saw just yesterday. But good student digs in the small town that is Stratford. Worst Pimm's is the rum-ridden rip-off from the Picture House Cinema bar, and priciest goes to The Encore (no encore this time!), but I wouldn't object to one of their Zebra chairs for the same price as a Pimm's!