- One car for the school run (the worse condition the better, I prefer to use my own special brand of Renault Scenic complete with one wing-mirror, a bashed in door, half a number plate and half the plastic trimming ripped off, but it's really down to individual taste...)
- More children than you have arms (for a low-cal version use ones that refuse to get up in the morning)
- Preferably a parent or two in the mixture for an extra kick of calamity
- A busy town or city bursting with riots, scammers, heavy snowfall warnings and your everyday manic morning rush.
- A blast of foreign language for a new culture flavour.
Bain-Marie's at the ready!
5 Easy Steps for the perfect Cake of Catastrophe:
1. When the children's school starts at 8:30am, make sure you're running late to ensure stress and scrambling.
2. CHILD A wants to bring the dog. Cue CHILD A’s tantrum when dog is declined. Because you've had "that" kind of week, they will continue to throw a tantrum at the bottom of the stairwell for the next 3.5 minutes. In between this, one parent is currently handing you half their dry-cleaning and several large items to return to a store. You hope they haven’t checked a watch recently as it will inevitably be ALL your fault that the girls are late. You make it to the car, with Child C adding to the chaotic-ness by obsessively flicking through all 50 radio stations on the journey and complaining about how she doesn’t get enough time to get ready AND have an extra snooze in the mornings. Resist the urge to throttle her there and then. Let's keep going.
3. When CHILD B asks if she can go to the shops on the route to school (which is only a few blocks away), ask if she knows the way. She says she does. Fall for her convincing affinity of independence. Don't consider the fact that you live in a large city and moreso, in the city centre with lots of traffic. She's totally capable, right? So tell her yes, "yes you can go ahead to school. We'll see you there." Assume that she won't get very far. Assume that the knot in your stomach is from the outdated yogurt you ate that morning.
4. You arrive to school with two children out of three, CHILD A still screaming about the fact you hate the dog. It has nothing to do with the fact you’re allergic to things you don’t like. After stoically refusing to leave the car, CHILD A eventually climbs out the opposite side so you can brush her knot-ridden hair into something which represents a ponytail. She will hate it and scream louder in front of all the parents waiting by the school gate (just for good measure and to add a bit of chagrin) because you haven’t preformed a John Frieda on her. Since you are running considerably late, assume that CHILD B made it to school just swimmingly because well, you didn't see her on the way. Comfort your doubts by reminding yourself that there are a few different routes to take. Drop off CHILD A and C in the nick of time, and voila, that's it!
5. You slowly count to ten and manoeuvre the car out of the lot, relishing in the tranquility of a child-less car. You’re a few minutes from returning home, when CHILD B calls because she’s still at the shops the other side of town and starts school in 2 minutes. Perform a highly illegal u-turn in the middle of a main road, and turn back to school on a search for Child B where you find her standing outside the shop with some friends. She will not have walked an inch closer to school from the store, and will just stand nonchalantly watching you manoeuvre the car into the disabled spot beside her before getting in. Now you can proceed to take CHILD B to school, return home and take a breath.
Helpful hint:Remember to turn off the oven after use before you go up in flames!
You can proceed to question your own capabilities while a surge of dread washes over you. Out of resentment, you can then reminisce of the days in England when you weren't responsible for children. You can even Freud yourself, questioning if you did this on a subconscious level so you could be fired and sent home.
I'm not fired. I'm still here.
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